Thursday, December 31, 2009

Nicholas Cage Found! Real Nicholas Cage abducted by Nicholas Cage Robot-Explanis String of Shitty Movies


From the Portland Comedy News room-



Today the world was shocked to find out actor Nicholas Cage has been held captive in the Sandwhich Islands for the last 4 years.  Apparently he was tricked into capitivy by his arch nemisis and Nicholas Cage look alike Tron 2000.  The real Nicholas Cage (pictured on the right) and Tron 2000 (on the left) have been sworn enemies for the last 20 years.  The disaperance explains the sudden rash of terrible movies the actor has made.  Tron 2000 apparently has held Nick Cage hostage since he first agreed to do Ghost Rider 1.

Local Portland Pizza Too Extreme:Man's Looses Head


Portland Oregon- Tom Jeffers loves pizza.  So, when Crazy Pizza opened down the road from his house, he had to be the first one to try it. "The owner said be careful because the Pizza was pretty extreme," said Tom over a phone interview with the editor and Moobs publisher Fred Spanish, "I rolled my eyes and that yeah right-I have had extreme pizza before and I think I will be the judge of that."

Mr. Jeffers went home and took a bite of his pizza, next think you knew part of his head exploded in sheer extremeness.  "I have had som eextreme things in my life-however that took it up a notch, crazy pizza is the real deal," said Tom.

Cont pg 10





Wednesday, December 23, 2009

New Michael Moore Movie Called Hats: a story of why Michael Moore always wears hats


AP-Michael Moore likes alot of things; movies, Flint Michigan and hats. His newest movie will get to the bottom of the subject. A representative for Mr. Moore said his new movie will cover the directors love of hats and all things hats. Look for it in theatres soon. An apperance by jester cap has neither been confirmed not denied.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Excited Morrison Bridge Worries Local Parents and Community Leaders


Keanu Reeves Looking To Buy Portland's Memorial Coliseum: Possibly Open Keanu Reeves Museum



Portland,Oregon:
It looks as if the question to what to do with the old Memorial Coliseum will be soon answered. A source from city hall has leaked that Actor/Musician/Scholar Keanu Reeves made an offer to the city to take the structure off of the city's hands. A price was not confirmed however sources have said somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty million dollars.
A spokesperson for Mr. Reeves stated that the actor has been in discussions with the city. "He has always been a fan of the coliseum, lots of good memories," said Tom Greferson, publicist to the actor. "He has also always wanted to start a museum as well."
Speculation is that the actor will turn in to a museum to celebrate his life work. "He has been wanting somewhere to display his work from Johnny Mnemonic and Speed II."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Storm Troppers Protest For Wage Increase and Benefits



December 11-Interglatic AP

At the Interglactic summit this week local Degobah Storm Troopers kicked off a week long protest for higher wages and benefits. According to Storm Trooper Johnson a wage increase is long in demand...cont pg7

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Great News!! Find the new Chronicles of Moobs newsletter at a Portland vendor near you!.







If you live in this great city look for this sign over a newspaper rack to get your free copy of Chronicles of Moobs Newsletter

Monday, November 30, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Local Man's Wierd Al collection Fails to Collect Minimum Bid on Ebay-


Pensicola Florida-It seems as if the artist who brought us such songs as Eat It and Like a Surgeon is even having difficulty moving merch. Todd Rogers of Pensicola, Florida and Vice President of The Florida Keys Wierd Al Club felt it was time to sell the collection.
"I have been collecting for years," Todd says from his apartment in Florida, "I figured the market for Wierd Al is at a Zenith and I decided to put it up. Todd posted the collection for sale on Tuesday night. On Wednesday morning he checked his email and he only saw one offer. "The offer was to kick me in the balls to take the posting down." Cont Pg 90

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Carls JR ups the ante for burger size....The New Carls JR Cow Head Burger





Los Angeles CA-

10/8/2009

Wire Report-


The tempertures maybe dropping across the US, but the US burger wars are heating up.



In response to the release of Burger Kings Triple Whopper, Carls Jr today announced the newest member of their burger family, the twenty pound Cow Head Burger.



Monday, October 5, 2009

Ralph Lauren Paints releases newest fall color.....Foreskin Beige?


Rome, Italy-
At a press confrence today held in Rome, Italy Ralph Lauren announed his newest fall line paints. Always a fan of one upsmanship the CEO if the famous company announced "foreskin Beige" is all the rage.
Cont. pg 50

Monday, September 28, 2009

Breaking News: Gresham Oregon not choosen for 2012 Summer Olympics


From AP wire-
In a suprising move that shocked the world community, Gresham Oregon was taken off the possible list of hosts of the 2012 Olympics. Cont.pg 4
Photo of future site of Birds Nest Dos

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Fred Spanish pitches Next Great Idea to Invention Magazine




Online Pitch
queries@entrepreneur.com
pitches@entrepreneur.com


Hey, gimmie a high five. Oh wait; there is no one else around.
How many times have you been in that situation?



Good afternoon my name is Fred Spanish and I am the inventor of the Dude Five, the worlds only self high five machine. This machine is capable of 32 hfpm (high five per minute) and comes with seven ethnic varieties of hands as well as a Sasquatch hand. You truly have a high five for any situation.

Who hasn’t been watching a game by themselves and came across your team with the winning touchdown dunk. You want to high five someone right? This allows you to get that high fiving satisfaction twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

The story of Dude Five really is a rag to riches story. Growing up in middle class neighborhoods of Madrid, to today the upper middle class neighborhood of Tigard, Oregon.

The story of Dude Five will make a perfect story for your magazine. If you accept my story I will also provide your office with one Dude Five machine, at ten percent of retail price, which includes a three pack of portable hands and one bonus yoda hand.



Fred Spanish









Dear Mr. Spanish


Thank you for your submission, however self high five machine is patent pending. I have included a sketch, looks like back to the drawing board.


Sincerely


Dave Frohams

Friday, July 24, 2009

Top Moobs Writer Pitches Top Chef Magazine


Attn: Bon Appetit
****** Imagine the best chef ever


I would like to submit my story idea of a recipe for a Spanish omelet. I am sure by now you have noticed that my name is Fred Spanish and yes, my great grandfather Emil Spanish invented the Spanish omelet back in Madrid on a blustery fall day in 1953. Our family has passed this down from generation to generation. I just received the recipe for Yom Kippur and I am ready to share it with the world. I only have part of the recipe due to a royalty dispute with my Uncle. Thank you and I look forward to writing for you soon.

Fred Spanish’s Spanish omelet

1 small, ______sliced1 small onion, __ eggsOne pinch of baking _____
____ to tasteOlive ____

Fry the ______and the _______in the olive oil until the potatoes are tender. Drain and let cool.
Add the eggs, baking powder and salt and mix everything well in a _____.
Fry the _____in a medium pan with just a drop of olive oil so it doesn't stick until the ____ looked cooked but before the omelet looks too____.

Doesn’t that look delicious! I look forward to hearing from you soon. Some say if you cook this just right you can see the image of Christopher Columbus in your eggs.
Talk with you soon
Fred Spanish



Yet to be reply

Top Writer Fred Spanish Pitches Hollywood




Attn: Name Blocked (Imagine the biggest studio ever)
*********




I would like to submit my query regarding a movie script that I just finished. Attached is a confidentiality statement please sign before reading.


This is just a taste.



Hank (Played by Judge Reinhold) wakes up one day and realizes his life is going nowhere. His wife left him and his two kids Mark (Played by the Red Head Kid from Problem Child) and Sarah (Played by Laurie Petty, Tank Girl) with a pile bills and a driveway to share with his wacky gay neighbors.

Hank works at a top invention firm and he needs his entrance in this years National Invention Contest to win the prize money to keep the creditors at bay. Problem is Frank White (Preferably played by Chad Lowe) is entering and he has always been a thorn in Hank’s side.

One day Hank and his kids are eating at a national seafood chain, where in his fish basket he finds a key and a map. It leads him to a wacky scientist who gives him the recipe to cure hiccups. Hank wins and his house and family are saved. He also finds a love interest. Preferably with large breasts.


Here are some possible titles.
If hiccups are lucky I must be lucky also
The magic hiccup cure
Fish basket of discovery
Fishy Keys

I am shopping this script pretty hard. I sent it to your company because I heard some good things. I assume a biding war could be in the future. I like your company and I am leaning towards you guys.

Fred Spanish



A Response soon followed

Dear Fred

Thanks for your pitch. However, we are currently closed to new submissions. Good luck with the project.

Sincerely,
Name blocked
A high power studio exec

Friday, April 10, 2009

This R2D2 That I Purchased Is Nor To Scale


From Science Fiction Consumer Reports-
By Todd Snewerth
I recently purchased the R2D2 unit from sky mall. To say I am disappointed would be an intergalactic understatement. First, it is clearly not to scale, about two and a half inches shorter than the original R2 unit. In addition it cannot make repairs. I put it in front of my faulty light switch and it just stood there.
Next I decided to cut a hole in my trunk to replicate an X-wing fighter and stuff R2 in the back. Needless to say his directions stunk and did not lead me to any hot babes.
Overall rating: one degoba system and a half moon

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Nacho Council Announces "Worst way to prepare nachos"

(Photo on Right) Bottom Heavy Cheese-
Cheese first, followed by chips.


Photo Above
All the cheese in the middle.
Very awkward when eating with someone else. Throws everything off


(Upper Right) Artsy Nachos, self explanatory









Sunday, March 8, 2009

Five Celebrity Products That Thankfully Never Caught On

Celebrity endorsements have been around since the beginning of time. Here a few that never caught on.

1) Boner's Sweatpants- Who could forgot Boner? Mike Seaver's good buddy from Growing Pains? In 1989, at the peak of Growing Pains popularity, Boner released his own line of really tight sweatpants. They never really caught on.


2) Judge Reinhold Fishsticks- In the 1980's Judge Reinhold was a household name. After such hits as Beverly Hills Cop and Vice Versa anything that this man touched turned to goal. Later on in the decade he tried to branch out into the baked frozen fish stick market, trying to go head to head with The Capitain Gordon himseld. Lets say the public's response was frigid to say the least.







3) Scent of Tony by Tony Danza- Americans really liked Tony Danza, they did not want his scent engulffing their body and nostrils.






Thursday, March 5, 2009

Top Five Celebrity Endorsed Products That Never Caught On Coninued


4) Dave Coulier's How to do Stand Up Tapes


Who can forget the famous Uncle Joey's celebrity endorsement for his "How To" series on stand up comedy. Although the series flopped in the US it did gather a large following in Peru and Luxembourg. When I was traveling in Peru recently, I still had kids coming up to me saying "cortar it out," which is Spanish for cut it out.




5) Dolph Lundgren Panini Machine


Ivan Drago was one bad ass dude who was really into stretching. His ideas were years before their time. Really a renaissance man in retrospect.



Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Steven Segal Issued First Pony Tail Ultimatum




Wire-On Tuesday the US Martial Arts Federation issued a warning to Steven Segal, keep the pony tail at least five inches or be barred from all UMAF sanctioned events.


Word in the community was that his pony tail had dropped below the minimum length of five inches, however in a phone interview with Segal's rep Morty Jenks insisted that his pony tail has never come close.

"I have never seen Steven's pony tail drop below ten inches, since I have known him and that has been twenty years."


The controversey first arose at his bands concert in the UK, this photo on the left taken by local photographer Pete Whitle shows his ponytail at a dangerously low.. cont page 10


Monday, February 16, 2009

This Is The Problably The Best Ferret Owners Manual.....Ever! By Dr. Wally Waffles


The Best Ferret Manual Ever-By Todd Hanson
Every generation has a novel that puts society on its ass, The Art of War, The Joy of Cooking, The Hardy Boys, Choose Your Own Adventure The Planet of Maldorf and now Dr. Bell's Manual on owning a ferret.
What really grabs my attention is that Dr. Bell clearly states that this is THE pet ferret owners manual. It's like she is getting in my face saying this is it, no others compare. It is as if she is slapping me in the face with a Ferrets tale of wisdom.
Each page is a fresh breath of ferret air, her chapter on cage upkeep alone had me personally questioning, morals, life, society, I think I peed a little. Cont page 78

Best Sports Movies Of All Time Continued

8) Ed

The tag line says it all, Minor League. Major League Friendship. In this 1996 Blockbuster Matt Leblanc plays a struggling minor league pitcher who's career is on the down side when the teams new third baseman teaches him about love, friendship and leaving it all on the field.




7) Celtic Pride

This one truly has it all, Dan Akroyd, Damon Wayans, the guy who was the voice of Kevin Arnold, foam fingers and friendship.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Chronicles of Moobs Presents The Sports Movie Moments That Have Changed Our Lives

These timeless sports movies have changed our lives and there message lives on forever. The 2009 Chronicles of Moobs Best Sports Movie Moments (in no particular order)



10) Bloodsport (Based on a True Story)


In his final fight Frank Dux (Pronounced Dukes) fighting the current Kumite champion Chong Li is blinded temporally by a mysterious powder to the eyes. Dux channels his inner kata and delivers the KO to Chong Li in the final scene. It also helps when your buddy in the movie played Oger in Revenge of the Nerds.



9) No Holds Barred


The Classic story of good vs evil. Hulk Hogan stars as Rip the golden boy of professional wrestling who in the final scene takes on the bad guy Zeus, mayhem follows, the movies overall message of follow your dreams is signed sealed and delivered.



Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dewey Decimal System To Get Crazy Makeover

AP Wire- With today's Fortune 500 companies cutting back on advertising, it came as quite a shock to see the Dewey Decimal Company pledging to revamp their image.


"For years the Dewey decimal system has been known as boring and full of numbers, we hope to change that," says Todd Wheeler, president of the Dewey Decimal Inc. This Thursday Dewey Decimal plans to unveil the newest mascot, Surfer Dude who teaches about the fun and wickedness of numerical order..

Cont Page 7

Saturday, January 31, 2009

80's Snowboarder Returns from Future Time Travel "In the future you have to ask permission to shred!"


Big Bear-
Rex Chapman who mysteriously disappeared at the Crystal Clear Pepsi Invitational in 1989 has returned from the future. "I have been time traveling," said Chapman who also starred in the 1984 ski comedy Ski Patrol "and the future looks scary for shredders."
Cont. page 7

Local Celebrity Italian Chef Puppet Pleads "Can we stop the stereotypes Please? I Don't Even Like da Pizza?


An Heartfelt Essay by Salvatore The Sock puppet-

Please, can we stop the stereotypes. I cannot help that that I was sewed together to be a chef, I don't even like da pizza or da spaghetti. Why do all Italian puppets have to have a moustache? Why do I have to wear a red scarf underneath my clothes, I live in the Mediterranean?

Thank you

Twinkie the Kid, "I will give up my outlaw lifestyle." Possibilty of Being Deputized to Clean Up Snacksville


Dodge City AP Reports-
Wild Bill, Jesse James, Weird Al all have been outlaws roaming these North Dakota hills. But today one the wild west most notorious outlaws Twinkie the Kid is turning in his spurs and saddle. The golden hostess cream filled snack will be riding into the sunset no more.
"I am ready to settle down," said the Kid as a ball of tumble weed roles by. "I am ready to start the family find some land, maybe start a ranch, I don't know."
The worlds most mischevious cake snack first appeared on the scene in the 1970's-continued page 8

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Elephant Wieners Not As Popular As Elephant Ears At Washington Park Zoo


Washington Park Zoo-The Portland Zoo rolled out its newest food product this week, elephant wieners. Compared to its counterpart elephant ears which tend to be flat and circular elephant ears to to be round long and circular…..cont 10
To the left Mr. Jenks the inspiration for the elephant wieners.

Image of Eric Roberts found in tortilla from local store





Santa Fe–Every Tuesday night at the Vasquez’s house is soft taco night. However last Tuesday the Vasquez’s received some extra company…..from long time film and Broadway star Eric Roberts.“I usually purchase corn tortillas but Snack N’ Go was out, So I had to purchase flour tortillas,” said Luisa Javier telling author and publisher Fred Spanish of The Chornicles of Moobs. “ I went home and opened up the package and their he was, Erico Roberto.”How did Eric Roberts show up in the Tortilla. At the time Mrs. Vasquez opened her package of tortillas Mr. Roberts was 2000 miles away filming the latest installment of Best of the Best 3 Are You Going to Finish Your Soup? Being filmed in Montreal. AP Wire

Saturday, January 17, 2009

This Years Renaissance Fair Circuit Shall Quench My Thirst For Awesomeness


A Continuous Editorial Essay by Pat and Todd Snackwell (also know as Queen Ferness and Sir Rolio)
Happy New Year fellow parishioners and subjects. This season of fairs looks like to be one of the best since the dark ages. It looks like we are kicking off this years first fair at Ye Olde NottinghamRidge (South on 1-95 right by homeless tent camp).
Hark! I am looking forward to this years first towne square potluck located at the center of the village. Please make sure to also bring your original potluck dish that is, I REPEAT is medieval themed. That means no egg rolls or pot stickers please.
Until Next Time
Sir Rolio

Boner from Growing Pains to release line of excessively tight sweatpants


AP Wire- (For Immediate Release)
Richard Milhouse "Boner:" Stabone, from the eighties smash hit Growing Pains is in discussion with local designers to release his new line of "excessively tight sweat pants." The name of the line will be Boner Sweats.
'I think it's time to bring sweat pants back to the glory days," Richard Stabone told the AP from his Soho loft, 'I think it really is time."
The sweat pants will include a few of Boner's signature touches, for example, all sweat pants will be a little to short and really tight around the ankles and waist.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Companies Struggles Show With Release Of New Products At Consumer Electronics Show: Apple releases glimpse of "I love Boobs." Beanie?

BY Chip Kinkle
Reporting From CES show in Las Vegas-

It seems as if the economy is not only effecting the consumers at this years CES show which was quite apparent by the lack of turnout, but also effecting the trade presenters. Presenting to a room of shocked tech lovers Todd Collins CIO of Apple unveiled their 2009 product line which included a multi colored set of beanies declaring "boobs are rad."

"Let's face it, the economy is tough, we just don't have the R&D budget that we had in the past," proclaimed Collins.

Microsoft did not fare much better, with their stock trading at a three year low the anticipation and expectation were through the roof.

However when Bill Gates presented Windows new product you could tell that the crowds expectations had not been met.

"I would like to present to you the latest member of the Microsoft family, Gigantic Novelty Glasses with Wiper Shades." Gates donned the gigantic shades and preceeded to get squirted in his face by CFO Tod Jenkins, "See the water is wiped away,"proclaimed Gates.

Sun Microsystems seemed to be the ultimate loser of the entire show. Although I did not see it myself sources have confirmed that the CFO ended up pooping in a paper bag.

I have Good News A Positive Look On Life: A Report By Margret Sanders

Today is January 12 2009

I have good news, Beethoven 4 is out on DVD, oh Judge Reinhold he is great. Let's take a look at the Plot on the back of the box


The family is pleasantly surprised and puzzled when Beethoven suddenly becomes obedient. Turns out it's a prince and the pauper scenario, with the real Beethoven now living with a pompous rich family


This is Margret Sanders reporting from I have Good News A Positive Look On Life, until next time.

Minnesota Legislators "Franken your in, promise no more Stuart Smalley.....seriously." Law Effective Today


Duluth Minnesota-AP
At first Al Franken thought the state legislature's email was a hoax. But then later that night on CNN Franken saw Oklahoma (R)Senator Pratt Stevens on TV talking about the Senator elect. "If he does Stuart Smalley at the capital building he is likely to get beat up, that shit is not funny...seriously." It seems that the Minnesota State legislature also has similar sentiments.
"Although we are not part of the confirmation process we are and will write this into state law, Franken will not, I repeat will not legally be able to do Stuart Smalley in the state of Minnesota," exclaimed State Rep Sandra Hoyton.
Apparently the state senate also feels the same way, passing into law today, Minn,US 1451 "effictively banning Franken from ever "impersontating and referering to Smalley in the first through third person."
"Apparently the email was not a hoax," said Franken from a Minneapolis coffee shop, "C'mon was Stuart really that bad?"