Saturday, January 31, 2009

80's Snowboarder Returns from Future Time Travel "In the future you have to ask permission to shred!"


Big Bear-
Rex Chapman who mysteriously disappeared at the Crystal Clear Pepsi Invitational in 1989 has returned from the future. "I have been time traveling," said Chapman who also starred in the 1984 ski comedy Ski Patrol "and the future looks scary for shredders."
Cont. page 7

Local Celebrity Italian Chef Puppet Pleads "Can we stop the stereotypes Please? I Don't Even Like da Pizza?


An Heartfelt Essay by Salvatore The Sock puppet-

Please, can we stop the stereotypes. I cannot help that that I was sewed together to be a chef, I don't even like da pizza or da spaghetti. Why do all Italian puppets have to have a moustache? Why do I have to wear a red scarf underneath my clothes, I live in the Mediterranean?

Thank you

Twinkie the Kid, "I will give up my outlaw lifestyle." Possibilty of Being Deputized to Clean Up Snacksville


Dodge City AP Reports-
Wild Bill, Jesse James, Weird Al all have been outlaws roaming these North Dakota hills. But today one the wild west most notorious outlaws Twinkie the Kid is turning in his spurs and saddle. The golden hostess cream filled snack will be riding into the sunset no more.
"I am ready to settle down," said the Kid as a ball of tumble weed roles by. "I am ready to start the family find some land, maybe start a ranch, I don't know."
The worlds most mischevious cake snack first appeared on the scene in the 1970's-continued page 8

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Elephant Wieners Not As Popular As Elephant Ears At Washington Park Zoo


Washington Park Zoo-The Portland Zoo rolled out its newest food product this week, elephant wieners. Compared to its counterpart elephant ears which tend to be flat and circular elephant ears to to be round long and circular…..cont 10
To the left Mr. Jenks the inspiration for the elephant wieners.

Image of Eric Roberts found in tortilla from local store





Santa Fe–Every Tuesday night at the Vasquez’s house is soft taco night. However last Tuesday the Vasquez’s received some extra company…..from long time film and Broadway star Eric Roberts.“I usually purchase corn tortillas but Snack N’ Go was out, So I had to purchase flour tortillas,” said Luisa Javier telling author and publisher Fred Spanish of The Chornicles of Moobs. “ I went home and opened up the package and their he was, Erico Roberto.”How did Eric Roberts show up in the Tortilla. At the time Mrs. Vasquez opened her package of tortillas Mr. Roberts was 2000 miles away filming the latest installment of Best of the Best 3 Are You Going to Finish Your Soup? Being filmed in Montreal. AP Wire

Saturday, January 17, 2009

This Years Renaissance Fair Circuit Shall Quench My Thirst For Awesomeness


A Continuous Editorial Essay by Pat and Todd Snackwell (also know as Queen Ferness and Sir Rolio)
Happy New Year fellow parishioners and subjects. This season of fairs looks like to be one of the best since the dark ages. It looks like we are kicking off this years first fair at Ye Olde NottinghamRidge (South on 1-95 right by homeless tent camp).
Hark! I am looking forward to this years first towne square potluck located at the center of the village. Please make sure to also bring your original potluck dish that is, I REPEAT is medieval themed. That means no egg rolls or pot stickers please.
Until Next Time
Sir Rolio

Boner from Growing Pains to release line of excessively tight sweatpants


AP Wire- (For Immediate Release)
Richard Milhouse "Boner:" Stabone, from the eighties smash hit Growing Pains is in discussion with local designers to release his new line of "excessively tight sweat pants." The name of the line will be Boner Sweats.
'I think it's time to bring sweat pants back to the glory days," Richard Stabone told the AP from his Soho loft, 'I think it really is time."
The sweat pants will include a few of Boner's signature touches, for example, all sweat pants will be a little to short and really tight around the ankles and waist.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Companies Struggles Show With Release Of New Products At Consumer Electronics Show: Apple releases glimpse of "I love Boobs." Beanie?

BY Chip Kinkle
Reporting From CES show in Las Vegas-

It seems as if the economy is not only effecting the consumers at this years CES show which was quite apparent by the lack of turnout, but also effecting the trade presenters. Presenting to a room of shocked tech lovers Todd Collins CIO of Apple unveiled their 2009 product line which included a multi colored set of beanies declaring "boobs are rad."

"Let's face it, the economy is tough, we just don't have the R&D budget that we had in the past," proclaimed Collins.

Microsoft did not fare much better, with their stock trading at a three year low the anticipation and expectation were through the roof.

However when Bill Gates presented Windows new product you could tell that the crowds expectations had not been met.

"I would like to present to you the latest member of the Microsoft family, Gigantic Novelty Glasses with Wiper Shades." Gates donned the gigantic shades and preceeded to get squirted in his face by CFO Tod Jenkins, "See the water is wiped away,"proclaimed Gates.

Sun Microsystems seemed to be the ultimate loser of the entire show. Although I did not see it myself sources have confirmed that the CFO ended up pooping in a paper bag.

I have Good News A Positive Look On Life: A Report By Margret Sanders

Today is January 12 2009

I have good news, Beethoven 4 is out on DVD, oh Judge Reinhold he is great. Let's take a look at the Plot on the back of the box


The family is pleasantly surprised and puzzled when Beethoven suddenly becomes obedient. Turns out it's a prince and the pauper scenario, with the real Beethoven now living with a pompous rich family


This is Margret Sanders reporting from I have Good News A Positive Look On Life, until next time.

Minnesota Legislators "Franken your in, promise no more Stuart Smalley.....seriously." Law Effective Today


Duluth Minnesota-AP
At first Al Franken thought the state legislature's email was a hoax. But then later that night on CNN Franken saw Oklahoma (R)Senator Pratt Stevens on TV talking about the Senator elect. "If he does Stuart Smalley at the capital building he is likely to get beat up, that shit is not funny...seriously." It seems that the Minnesota State legislature also has similar sentiments.
"Although we are not part of the confirmation process we are and will write this into state law, Franken will not, I repeat will not legally be able to do Stuart Smalley in the state of Minnesota," exclaimed State Rep Sandra Hoyton.
Apparently the state senate also feels the same way, passing into law today, Minn,US 1451 "effictively banning Franken from ever "impersontating and referering to Smalley in the first through third person."
"Apparently the email was not a hoax," said Franken from a Minneapolis coffee shop, "C'mon was Stuart really that bad?"


Friday, January 9, 2009

Why I Think the Jester Hat is Lame: By Who Farted T-Shirt


To whom it may concern,

There are few thing in this world that infuriate me as much as the Jester Hat and I consider myself to be a very patient article of clothing. Something about that hat really pisses me off, maybe it is the bells, maybe the array of colors, maybe the people who end up wearing it. Look at me, I always get a laugh. I really go with any article of clothing. I get a laugh no matter how I am presented. Wanna wear me and put some brown stains around the letters, it will look like poop. Cut holes in me to simulate the fart disintegrating the threads...hilarious. Put the letters upside down and some one will come up and say "what is that, oh I get it."
What does a jester hat mean anyway, am I supposed to laugh, feel sorry for you, give you change? Will some one let me know? Until then, if you want to get a laugh and have some good times you know what to wear.

Sincerely Who Farted T-Shirt

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Governor Rod Blagojevich Impeached From His 80's Berlin Cover Band Uber Beans




From Wire-
In a suprising move today Governor Rod Blagojevich was impeached from his 80's Berlin Cover Band Uber Beans. He was voted out by a unanimous 3 to 1 margin. His only stay vote was from Sven (Todd Parker) Uber Beans bass player and one of the original founding members. Senator Blagojevich split his time between Keyboard and Drums and was known for his progressive Euro Rhythms. The band's impeachment comes as a surprise to Governor Blagojevich who is quoted as saying.......continue page 7

Monday, January 5, 2009

Most Anticipated Movie Sequels of 2009


Short Ciruit 3: Donde Esta Steve Guttenburg?


Over The Top Prequel: In 3-D


Tango & Cash 2: 15 years later


Under Seige 3: Let's take the show on the road


Top Dog 2: Norris and Co Back