Nicholas Cage Found! Real Nicholas Cage abducted by Nicholas Cage Robot-Explanis String of Shitty Movies

From the Portland Comedy News room-



Today the world was shocked to find out actor Nicholas Cage has been held captive in the Sandwhich Islands for the last 4 years.  Apparently he was tricked into capitivy by his arch nemisis and Nicholas Cage look alike Tron 2000.  The real Nicholas Cage (pictured on the right) and Tron 2000 (on the left) have been sworn enemies for the last 20 years.  The disaperance explains the sudden rash of terrible movies the actor has made.  Tron 2000 apparently has held Nick Cage hostage since he first agreed to do Ghost Rider 1.

Local Portland Pizza Too Extreme:Man's Looses Head

Portland Oregon- Tom Jeffers loves pizza.  So, when Crazy Pizza opened down the road from his house, he had to be the first one to try it. "The owner said be careful because the Pizza was pretty extreme," said Tom over a phone interview with the editor and Moobs publisher Fred Spanish, "I rolled my eyes and that yeah right-I have had extreme pizza before and I think I will be the judge of that."

Mr. Jeffers went home and took a bite of his pizza, next think you knew part of his head exploded in sheer extremeness.  "I have had som eextreme things in my life-however that took it up a notch, crazy pizza is the real deal," said Tom.

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New Michael Moore Movie Called Hats: a story of why Michael Moore always wears hats

AP-Michael Moore likes alot of things; movies, Flint Michigan and hats. His newest movie will get to the bottom of the subject. A representative for Mr. Moore said his new movie will cover the directors love of hats and all things hats. Look for it in theatres soon. An apperance by jester cap has neither been confirmed not denied.

Excited Morrison Bridge Worries Local Parents and Community Leaders

Keanu Reeves Looking To Buy Portland's Memorial Coliseum: Possibly Open Keanu Reeves Museum

Portland,Oregon:

It looks as if the question to what to do with the old Memorial Coliseum will be soon answered. A source from city hall has leaked that Actor/Musician/Scholar Keanu Reeves made an offer to the city to take the structure off of the city's hands. A price was not confirmed however sources have said somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty million dollars.

A spokesperson for Mr. Reeves stated that the actor has been in discussions with the city. "He has always been a fan of the coliseum, lots of good memories," said Tom Greferson, publicist to the actor. "He has also always wanted to start a museum as well."

Speculation is that the actor will turn in to a museum to celebrate his life work. "He has been wanting somewhere to display his work from Johnny Mnemonic and Speed II."

Storm Troppers Protest For Wage Increase and Benefits

December 11-Interglatic AP

At the Interglactic summit this week local Degobah Storm Troopers kicked off a week long protest for higher wages and benefits. According to Storm Trooper Johnson a wage increase is long in demand...cont pg7

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